number thirty-four.

Today I am lying on my bed with my laptop resting on my protruding stomach (food, not baby) and the fan is on number three, I have been reading 'Moab is my washpot' by stephen fry and listening to a lot of Florence and the Machine and this classical opera choruses CD collection I have.

I want a record player.

In abut 15 minutes I need to be dressed and out the door for my dad's 57th birthday dinner which is at a local thai restaurant. I can comfortably assume that we will be the only customers there and that we will have an average dinner and be out of there in an hour.

I sometimes think I should have more to say on this blog, but I don't have more to say, I have nothing to say that you want to hear about, so we'll stick with what I want to say to my blog, not to the rest of the world. because going under the impression so far, that is a more accurate assumption of what is actually happening.


It's too hot and I can't be bothered with good grammar.

L.

Number thirty-three.

Read Freud's essay on 'The Uncanny',

good stuff.

Also check out Nick Cave, the designer, he's pretty rockin'.


L.

number thirty-two.

And I imagined a Jesus,
drenched in the blood of our daughters,
lifting, among the dead, the heart of a pig to find the light that used to shine.

This Jesus with a heart that beat with vigor in his own pulsating hand,
wondering if he would ever be saved, to reach the holy land
and the safety he may have known,
or perhaps the personal hell which he had created.

Either way, he waited, patiently,
standing among the dead,
the diaphanous dead,
dripping with the blood of our daughters, the innocence which we once knew,
and the naive suggestions upon their lips that we savored.

They surrounded him as he patiently waited,
breaking, slowly, pensively,
to reach a state of emptiness that was full of everything he could possibly loathe.

The dead that surrounded him, he hated.
The heart he held in his hand, he hated.
He hated the life which he had created,
the life which he had molded from the sacrificed stars of the heavens,
which morphed willingly into something new.
Something new, yet something doomed and damned from the beginning.
A well oiled malfunctioning machine.
Destined for destruction.
And so he cried.


27-10-09


L.

number thirty-one.

I'M TWENTY-ONE!!!

and I got a sewing machine for my birthday!!! a bernina activa 210!!!

I'm rather excited, hopefully this emans many future posts of the things I have created using this machine!!!


L.

number thirty.

I have a night to myself, and I have a need to record in writing how I am feeling but words escape me and I find myself stuck and unable to emote, so I guess I'll just record what I've been doing and hopefully come to some satisfied feeling.

The last week has been spent at student theatre, uni in general and at home. I sort of went in to sleep mode and spent a lot of the week in bed, I've been up and really happy for a couple of weeks now and stuff is starting to decline, I would wake up then do some stuff and end up back in bed in the afternoon for a couple of hours then get up, have dinner, fluff around watching television and then go to bed around 11 and get 8 to 9 hours sleep. All I wanted to do was sleep, be in bed, be stationery and non thinking, putting nothing out into the world and taking as little as possible.

I had a performance at Melbourne Uni for a celebration of student theatre, it was a good night and I met some incredible people including the founders of Theatre in Decay and Black Lung Theatre as well as some amazing writers including Lalley Katz. I got good feedback and had a good time with various artistic types who are similar to me in interests and personalities.

I guess this was the highlight of the week, I've also started writing a play to be performed next year at uni somewhere, either in student theatre or Bachelor of Performing Arts. This is going well, interesting and slow, but good i guess, a long way to go still.

Some of the medication I'm on has made me incredibly tired and so it's been reduced by half, at first the withdrawal hit me with headaches and stomach aches and now its affecting me mentally, yesterday my mood dropped to incredibly low and it's maintained that since, I feel like I'm back where I was, or going back to where I was, I dont want to talk about all the negative stuff thats going on but I feel like I need to put it down somewhere and acknowledge the absolutely shit feelings I've been having.

And this leads me to now, I have had a tumultuous 2 days and I reach now and am unable to emote or really feel, like being back on incredible amounts of drugs and being totally zonked out, I just feel nothing, maybe a little saddened by this but otherwise nothing, just nothing.

I guess I just wanted to put this down in the most inarticulate inartistic way which is all I seem to be able to manage at the moment.

I have my final assignment of the year to write which is going to be difficult as I have a $37 library fine and absolutely no money...hmmmm....

Oh, it's also my 21st birthday in two weeks and I dont really care, i just feel nothing at the moment. I'm going to watch some tv.

L.

number twenty-nine.

To think that I was

home, and here and now was then.

I felt you looking at me

but you were hollow.

You pulled at the strings that held me together

and then dropped them.

You didn't want to know,

I should have understood.

I walked towards you

and you saw me

I hurt you

I loved you

and as the threads start to separate

I will sink down

and fall back comfortably

against your skin.

16-10-09

L.

number twenty-eight.

One word answers:

1. Where is your mobile phone? couch

2. Your hair? dirty

3. Your mother? work

4. Your father? kitchen

5. Your favourite food? dark-chocolate

6. Your dream last night? vivid

7. Your favourite drink? coffee

8. Your dream/goal? happiness

9. What room are you in? rumpus

10. Your hobby? art

11. Your fear? many

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? comfortable

13. Where were you last night? bed

14. Something that you aren’t? magic

15. Muffins? apple-cinnamon

16. Wish list item? apartment

17. Where did you grow up? Brisbane/Townsville

18. Last thing you did? dinner

19. What are you wearing? tracksuit

20. Your TV? standard

21. Your pet? ellie

22. Friends? lovely

23. Your life? mmmm

24. Your mood? meh

25. Missing someone? yeh

26. Vehicle? red

27. Something you’re not wearing? makeup

28. Your favorite store? zartart

29. Your favorite color? green

30. When was the last time you laughed? today

31. Last time you cried? dunnno

32. Your best friend? studying

33. One place that I go to over and over? dreams

34. One person who emails me regularly? spam

35. Favorite place to eat? home

number twenty-seven.

Well, it's the 4th of October and I had huge plans to join in with blogtoberfest, however with the show just finished I've only been able to get on my computer now, four days late. Hmmm, so I figure I'll just try and start posting more often than I have been.

Mourning Becomes Electra just closed last night, we performed 11 shows in 12 days, a show which is 4 hours long including two intervals and of that four hours I was on stage for 3 and a half of them. We finished the show around 11.30 each night and by the time I got home it was between 12.30 and 2am, depending on if I went to The House or not, I had a fantastic time, really, I worked with some amazing people, met some amazing people, and got some of the best acting training and experience I've had in my life. I also got amazing feedback which has helped me gain a bit more confidence in my own ability to act, I may think of auditioning for drama schools at the end of next year.

So after the show last night we had a carpet picnic and then bumped the show out, this basically means cleaning out the space, taking apart the set, de-rigging the lighting grid, painting the floor and cleaning the office and the dressing room. this takes around 4 to 6 hours and is always done after the show when everyone's tired as another show needed to bump in the next day. Bump outs are always fun, despite being incredibly hard work. After this was of course the afterparty which was at The Jag, it was an absolute blast. We all got very drink and very stoned, sang, danced, smoked, and talked til 6am this morning, once people started to pass out I drove a couple of them home and then went to bed myself and slept for 8 hours.

And so now it's the end of a six week saga that has taken over my life and consumed me completely, what am I going to do with my time now? Well that's a good question.

So far my plans are:

- find a better job
- craft it up
- write more
- finish my assignments
- catch up with friends
- spend some time with friends
- go to more gigs
- spend more time out and having adventures

OK that's all for now.

Peace out, yo.

L.

number twenty-six.

A quick post, I'm at rehearsal, I have most of my lines down, I have a tea, it is perfect, I am wearing comfy jeans which rarely happens and my headache has disappeared.

Today will be a good day.


L.

number twenty-five.

A corset photoshoot done with the lovely Sarah Walker, corsets by Obsidian Lace








Freezing cold, halogen lights, corsets, and a rat. Fun times with the gang.

L.

number twenty-four.

Things I am grateful for today:

Oranges - they are so refreshing.

My laptop - for being small and efficient.

Carpooling - for allowing me to cheat the system and park for free.

Avocado - for being creamy and full of essential fats.

Sleep - which I will hopefully get tonight...

L.

number twenty-three.

Today I am grateful for:

• A new found love for Radiohead

• My bedroom
  

• A sleep in

• The new Edition of Frankie Magazine

• The bright colours I see on other peoples blogs

• warm showers

• general feelings or warmth towards others

• a day off

L.

number twenty-two.

The beginning of a play for script writing?

November:

I grew up in the outer suburbs of Melbourne, in the Dandenong ranges, the house we lived in was a proud home where other parents came to drink tea with my mother and talk about how lovely our neighbourhood was.

I love my family so much but I cant live with them anymore, our relationships became obsessive, we were secluded, we began to separate ourselves from the outside world. We had a common ground, a secret we shared, a secret that many families share and never indulge in the process of talking about it. We didn't share either and this is where problems began, we became our routines, our bed times, our meal times, our work times. We were hollow shells created by our social norms and that contained nothing but musty air and dead follicles, these hollow shells become full with secret sensitivities and thought processes at surprising times when we eat our meals or while away the time before bed, they ooze out of our ears and eyes but never our mouths. My mother sucks them back in and straightens her starched skirt with tired hands that spend hours straightening skirts and pulling skin taut so that her secrets don't seep out.

I left five years ago along with millions of other who leave their families behind them year after year. I now live with a dog who has replaced my mother with better facial expressions and the kind of loyalty only a dog can have. My mother and I write to each other and that is because her shell needs it to stay together, to maintain its cracking walls that could burst open with nothing but stale damp air. I know there's something in there, perhaps pressed against the walls she's so carefully constructed and I know that if it was released her shell would come crashing down, but this is exactly what needs to happen, and exactly what wont happen.

Margaret:
Dear November,

You never made your bed and for that I'm still disappointed in you. It's been 1,824 days since I've seen your face and the knowledge that your weekly chores remained unfinished is always playing on my mind. I hope you are well and living in a healthy and sterile environment. I cleaned your room, I couldn't bare the sight of it, it took me nearly all day but it now looks like a respectable living space. I also went to the library yesterday to look at some new recipes, your father might come over and I want it to be a special night.
Please brush your teeth everyday,

Margaret.

L.

number twenty-one.

Here's where I'm up to:

Making : a place to be comfortable.
Cooking : nothing, just fruit and veg for me.
Drinking : water, three litres a day to be precise.
Reading: Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse
Wanting: many things, namely a leather knapsack
Looking: at the computer screen, the waving kitty, and the sketching wooden doll.
Playing: Farmville
Wasting: my time playing Farmvile.
Sewing: nothing as our sewing machine is broken. lame.
Wishing: for many things, namely a holiday.
Enjoying: the $2.50 Ham and gourmet salad roll I just ate, yay for end of day sales.
Waiting: for the weekend, saturday to be exact, as it is my day off.
Liking: a boy.
Wondering: How long I can keep this up.
Loving: the beautiful blogs I've been reading.
Hoping: that this play will be wonderful.
Marvelling: at the amazing people I work with.
Needing: my cold to go away and my lines to be learnt.
Smelling: like prada
Wearing: my rehearsal petticoat, and a new pashmina scarf
Following: my nose?
Noticing: the rich colours of the student theatre office.
Knowing: I have a rehearsal in 6 minutes.
Thinking: about my lines and what scenes we'll be doing.
Feeling: tired and a bit sick, but content.
Bookmarking: nothing as this isnt my computer...
Opening: emails.
Giggling: about pretend kisses.

mmmm....


L.

number twenty.

Today I am grateful for:

• beanies that cover bad hair

• cool breezes where the sun still shines

• my psychologist

• strepsil throat lozenges.

• Falkner park

• Coffee

• Student Theatre

L.

number nineteen.

A friend is having her 21st birthday party tonight, 50's themed. I made her a hair bow clip thing out of hand dyed felt and floss, very simple but she loves bows and pink things. This is what it looks like:
Lack of make up and nice clothes, but I'm spending my weekend doing script work, cleaning and procrastinating from doing homework.

I'm in a slightly better mood than in the last post so for now I guess I'll just be posting when I'm in a good mood, or in a bad one and wanting to complain. mmmm, thats all for now.


L.

number eighteen.

Ok so this is my fourth attempt at posting.

All previous efforts were halted by power failures and lack of inspiration.

I seem to be taking a small hiatus from my blog after a lack of interest from other parties, no comments etc, I didn't start this blog to incite comments and for other people but after being drawn into the crafting blog world I started to comment on others and got comments in return, and since my last posts seem to have not attracted many views I feel a little bit disheartened and I hate that I feel that way. I didn't start this for other people, I started it for me so I dont know where I stand now in terms of my blogging habits and what I should write and not write in terms of my life.

I also had an unfortunate discovery of a blog thats been written detailing the private life of a close friend of mine, this has lead to a small breakdown on his behalf and a huge amount of disgust for this person on my behalf.

People who I expected to read my posts havent been and this is a little bit dissapointing and leaves me with little faith in them. I guess I've just fallen off the radar of the blog world (the small place in which I held) and have landed back in the live world in which is taking up ALL of my time. I dont really feel motivated to post and when I do I'm torn with what material to actually put up, this was originally a place that I would share my crafting projects as well as parts of my life that are more intimate including my struggles with Bipolar II disorder and how I'm coping with this illness and making the most of life, also the things that I find help the most including inspirational friends and art etc. So that's where I'm at for now.

Ok, thats my rant for the moment.

Now back to what I've been doing, I recently landed the lead role in a production which will be put on at Monash Uni Student Theatre in September. It's called 'Mourning Becomes Electra' by Eugene O'neill.I'm playing the role of Lavinia which is the 'electra' character, it's a psychological drama that so far hasd proved to be fantastic and intense. The rehearsal process is really enjoyable while still testing my limits and concentration span!

Other than that I'm rehearsing for Lysistrata which is actually on next week,

(all photos sourced from google images.)

we're doing 6 shows in 4 days and then it's done and I've finished a subject! So I'll be left with a contemporary performance subject and a script writing subject, both of which I'm really enjoying so far.

So that's that.

L.

number seventeen.

After reading Franca's blog I've signed up for the Pay It Forward experiment/agreement/fun thing. Basically I am a true believer in the idea and think it's a beautiful way to gain appreciation for other peoples creations and snail mail!

Here's the blurb that explains what this is all about:

I am entering into the following agreement with the first 5 people who VOLUNTEER on this post and commit to passing the project along on their blog. Just read below and if you feel ready to commit, copy the following into your blog and leave me a comment. If you just want to say hi and good luck, no worries, you're not "it"!

I am willing to post overseas (I am in the Australia), but remember you must commit on your blog to do the same for others.

* I make no guarantees that you will like what I send you. But you may be pleasantly surprised.
* What I send will be made just for you, with love, by my own hands. You'd be surprised how much of our personalities does come through online.***It may be something beautiful and found that I have altered to make personal and unique***
* I will complete all 5 gifts this year - 2009.
* I will not give you any clue what it’s going to be. It will be something made in the real world, that you can touch and feel, and not something cyber.
* I reserve the right to do something strange. It may be weird or beautiful. Or it may be monstrous and annoying. If you find it truly horrendous, just let me know. Perhaps you'll send it forward to someone who will absolutely love it.
* In return, all you need to do is post this text on your blog and make 5 things for the first 5 to respond to your blog post.

Send your mailing address - after I contact you to confirm.

Everyone is welcome. I guarantee that you will receive something from me providing you do the same for 5 other people in your blog post. Are you game? Let me know. If you are not one of the first 5, see who is and visit them for a chance to spread the love- and handmade stuff.

So that is the dealio, I reserve the right to create what I want obviously, and will definetly be creative and hopefully unique in my makings. I look forward to this! remember to put it in your own blog as well!

Also I will be updating soon! soon soon soon!


Peace.

L.

number sixteen.

I'm currently sitting at a cafe on Commercial Road waiting for an appointment, it's nice here. I have a coffee and an ipod and a computer. The temperature is perfect, a bit of a cool breeze but warm enough to appreciate the sun. I can hear cars and trucks driving past, the conversations of those around me, I can smell coffee, dirt, fumes, perfume and cigarette smoke and also the clear air. I can see the Alfred hospital, workers, people, the environment. And I feel really good.

I really must get on to reading Murakami.

So currently I have just gotten into an awesome play, I have some

shifts coming up, I also will hopefully be getting a job at Wholefoods Cafe, a student run cafe at Monash that has the most fantastic environment, and homemade everything. I'm finally sorting out things, keeping everything in check, enjoying uni so far, and discovering the positive side of life again. All of this feels really good.

Here are some pictures from my last couple of days:

Some tiny bunnies I've started making, they are roughly two and a
half inches long and one and a half high.

The park I walk through to get to my appointment.

I went to a friends going away party on Sunday night
and this is what I wore, new boots, owl dress from a store
at DFO, stockings from Target and hand me down cardigan.

Thats all for now, off to read scripts and articles for uni.

Peace.

L.

number fifteen.

Well last night I attended a fabulous Christmas in July party at my friends new apartment in Pentridge Piazza (formerly known as Pentridge Prison), they have a swanky apartment built into the workshops of the Pentridge Prison, it's lovely and cozy and we had a fabulous night. I felted her a christmas brooch which she loved and I forgot to take a photo of it, however I do have a photo of the little birdy I felted for my hair and also my outfit and new boots!

Mid sentence to my mother, this is the felt birdy, and also the earrings are coral! woo!


My new boots which I LOVE, Wittner sale, I love boots.

And this is what I wore, Dress is from Retro Star, Boots - Wittner Sale, Cardigan - hand me down from sister, Coat - five year old colorado coat, belt - thrifted, bag - hand made.

So my growing love for Blues and Rhythm is slowly being satisfied by the likes of Screamin Jay Hawkins, LaVern Baker and Ruth Brown.

Oh, and I also just landed the main part in a production at uni, the play is called Mourning Becomes Electra by Eugene O'neill and I'm playing the part of Lavinia, it's a fantastic roll and the play is extremely dramatic and there's a lot of psychological manipulation, oh and we only have seven weeks to get it on its feet...which is not very long...but I'm DEFINETLY excited!

YAY!

ok, thats all for now, I'm heading off to a friends going away which will be good and fun and happy.

Peace out,

L.