number thirty-four.

Today I am lying on my bed with my laptop resting on my protruding stomach (food, not baby) and the fan is on number three, I have been reading 'Moab is my washpot' by stephen fry and listening to a lot of Florence and the Machine and this classical opera choruses CD collection I have.

I want a record player.

In abut 15 minutes I need to be dressed and out the door for my dad's 57th birthday dinner which is at a local thai restaurant. I can comfortably assume that we will be the only customers there and that we will have an average dinner and be out of there in an hour.

I sometimes think I should have more to say on this blog, but I don't have more to say, I have nothing to say that you want to hear about, so we'll stick with what I want to say to my blog, not to the rest of the world. because going under the impression so far, that is a more accurate assumption of what is actually happening.


It's too hot and I can't be bothered with good grammar.

L.

Number thirty-three.

Read Freud's essay on 'The Uncanny',

good stuff.

Also check out Nick Cave, the designer, he's pretty rockin'.


L.

number thirty-two.

And I imagined a Jesus,
drenched in the blood of our daughters,
lifting, among the dead, the heart of a pig to find the light that used to shine.

This Jesus with a heart that beat with vigor in his own pulsating hand,
wondering if he would ever be saved, to reach the holy land
and the safety he may have known,
or perhaps the personal hell which he had created.

Either way, he waited, patiently,
standing among the dead,
the diaphanous dead,
dripping with the blood of our daughters, the innocence which we once knew,
and the naive suggestions upon their lips that we savored.

They surrounded him as he patiently waited,
breaking, slowly, pensively,
to reach a state of emptiness that was full of everything he could possibly loathe.

The dead that surrounded him, he hated.
The heart he held in his hand, he hated.
He hated the life which he had created,
the life which he had molded from the sacrificed stars of the heavens,
which morphed willingly into something new.
Something new, yet something doomed and damned from the beginning.
A well oiled malfunctioning machine.
Destined for destruction.
And so he cried.


27-10-09


L.

number thirty-one.

I'M TWENTY-ONE!!!

and I got a sewing machine for my birthday!!! a bernina activa 210!!!

I'm rather excited, hopefully this emans many future posts of the things I have created using this machine!!!


L.

number thirty.

I have a night to myself, and I have a need to record in writing how I am feeling but words escape me and I find myself stuck and unable to emote, so I guess I'll just record what I've been doing and hopefully come to some satisfied feeling.

The last week has been spent at student theatre, uni in general and at home. I sort of went in to sleep mode and spent a lot of the week in bed, I've been up and really happy for a couple of weeks now and stuff is starting to decline, I would wake up then do some stuff and end up back in bed in the afternoon for a couple of hours then get up, have dinner, fluff around watching television and then go to bed around 11 and get 8 to 9 hours sleep. All I wanted to do was sleep, be in bed, be stationery and non thinking, putting nothing out into the world and taking as little as possible.

I had a performance at Melbourne Uni for a celebration of student theatre, it was a good night and I met some incredible people including the founders of Theatre in Decay and Black Lung Theatre as well as some amazing writers including Lalley Katz. I got good feedback and had a good time with various artistic types who are similar to me in interests and personalities.

I guess this was the highlight of the week, I've also started writing a play to be performed next year at uni somewhere, either in student theatre or Bachelor of Performing Arts. This is going well, interesting and slow, but good i guess, a long way to go still.

Some of the medication I'm on has made me incredibly tired and so it's been reduced by half, at first the withdrawal hit me with headaches and stomach aches and now its affecting me mentally, yesterday my mood dropped to incredibly low and it's maintained that since, I feel like I'm back where I was, or going back to where I was, I dont want to talk about all the negative stuff thats going on but I feel like I need to put it down somewhere and acknowledge the absolutely shit feelings I've been having.

And this leads me to now, I have had a tumultuous 2 days and I reach now and am unable to emote or really feel, like being back on incredible amounts of drugs and being totally zonked out, I just feel nothing, maybe a little saddened by this but otherwise nothing, just nothing.

I guess I just wanted to put this down in the most inarticulate inartistic way which is all I seem to be able to manage at the moment.

I have my final assignment of the year to write which is going to be difficult as I have a $37 library fine and absolutely no money...hmmmm....

Oh, it's also my 21st birthday in two weeks and I dont really care, i just feel nothing at the moment. I'm going to watch some tv.

L.

number twenty-nine.

To think that I was

home, and here and now was then.

I felt you looking at me

but you were hollow.

You pulled at the strings that held me together

and then dropped them.

You didn't want to know,

I should have understood.

I walked towards you

and you saw me

I hurt you

I loved you

and as the threads start to separate

I will sink down

and fall back comfortably

against your skin.

16-10-09

L.

number twenty-eight.

One word answers:

1. Where is your mobile phone? couch

2. Your hair? dirty

3. Your mother? work

4. Your father? kitchen

5. Your favourite food? dark-chocolate

6. Your dream last night? vivid

7. Your favourite drink? coffee

8. Your dream/goal? happiness

9. What room are you in? rumpus

10. Your hobby? art

11. Your fear? many

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? comfortable

13. Where were you last night? bed

14. Something that you aren’t? magic

15. Muffins? apple-cinnamon

16. Wish list item? apartment

17. Where did you grow up? Brisbane/Townsville

18. Last thing you did? dinner

19. What are you wearing? tracksuit

20. Your TV? standard

21. Your pet? ellie

22. Friends? lovely

23. Your life? mmmm

24. Your mood? meh

25. Missing someone? yeh

26. Vehicle? red

27. Something you’re not wearing? makeup

28. Your favorite store? zartart

29. Your favorite color? green

30. When was the last time you laughed? today

31. Last time you cried? dunnno

32. Your best friend? studying

33. One place that I go to over and over? dreams

34. One person who emails me regularly? spam

35. Favorite place to eat? home