number thirty-four.

Today I am lying on my bed with my laptop resting on my protruding stomach (food, not baby) and the fan is on number three, I have been reading 'Moab is my washpot' by stephen fry and listening to a lot of Florence and the Machine and this classical opera choruses CD collection I have.

I want a record player.

In abut 15 minutes I need to be dressed and out the door for my dad's 57th birthday dinner which is at a local thai restaurant. I can comfortably assume that we will be the only customers there and that we will have an average dinner and be out of there in an hour.

I sometimes think I should have more to say on this blog, but I don't have more to say, I have nothing to say that you want to hear about, so we'll stick with what I want to say to my blog, not to the rest of the world. because going under the impression so far, that is a more accurate assumption of what is actually happening.


It's too hot and I can't be bothered with good grammar.

L.

Number thirty-three.

Read Freud's essay on 'The Uncanny',

good stuff.

Also check out Nick Cave, the designer, he's pretty rockin'.


L.

number thirty-two.

And I imagined a Jesus,
drenched in the blood of our daughters,
lifting, among the dead, the heart of a pig to find the light that used to shine.

This Jesus with a heart that beat with vigor in his own pulsating hand,
wondering if he would ever be saved, to reach the holy land
and the safety he may have known,
or perhaps the personal hell which he had created.

Either way, he waited, patiently,
standing among the dead,
the diaphanous dead,
dripping with the blood of our daughters, the innocence which we once knew,
and the naive suggestions upon their lips that we savored.

They surrounded him as he patiently waited,
breaking, slowly, pensively,
to reach a state of emptiness that was full of everything he could possibly loathe.

The dead that surrounded him, he hated.
The heart he held in his hand, he hated.
He hated the life which he had created,
the life which he had molded from the sacrificed stars of the heavens,
which morphed willingly into something new.
Something new, yet something doomed and damned from the beginning.
A well oiled malfunctioning machine.
Destined for destruction.
And so he cried.


27-10-09


L.

number thirty-one.

I'M TWENTY-ONE!!!

and I got a sewing machine for my birthday!!! a bernina activa 210!!!

I'm rather excited, hopefully this emans many future posts of the things I have created using this machine!!!


L.

number thirty.

I have a night to myself, and I have a need to record in writing how I am feeling but words escape me and I find myself stuck and unable to emote, so I guess I'll just record what I've been doing and hopefully come to some satisfied feeling.

The last week has been spent at student theatre, uni in general and at home. I sort of went in to sleep mode and spent a lot of the week in bed, I've been up and really happy for a couple of weeks now and stuff is starting to decline, I would wake up then do some stuff and end up back in bed in the afternoon for a couple of hours then get up, have dinner, fluff around watching television and then go to bed around 11 and get 8 to 9 hours sleep. All I wanted to do was sleep, be in bed, be stationery and non thinking, putting nothing out into the world and taking as little as possible.

I had a performance at Melbourne Uni for a celebration of student theatre, it was a good night and I met some incredible people including the founders of Theatre in Decay and Black Lung Theatre as well as some amazing writers including Lalley Katz. I got good feedback and had a good time with various artistic types who are similar to me in interests and personalities.

I guess this was the highlight of the week, I've also started writing a play to be performed next year at uni somewhere, either in student theatre or Bachelor of Performing Arts. This is going well, interesting and slow, but good i guess, a long way to go still.

Some of the medication I'm on has made me incredibly tired and so it's been reduced by half, at first the withdrawal hit me with headaches and stomach aches and now its affecting me mentally, yesterday my mood dropped to incredibly low and it's maintained that since, I feel like I'm back where I was, or going back to where I was, I dont want to talk about all the negative stuff thats going on but I feel like I need to put it down somewhere and acknowledge the absolutely shit feelings I've been having.

And this leads me to now, I have had a tumultuous 2 days and I reach now and am unable to emote or really feel, like being back on incredible amounts of drugs and being totally zonked out, I just feel nothing, maybe a little saddened by this but otherwise nothing, just nothing.

I guess I just wanted to put this down in the most inarticulate inartistic way which is all I seem to be able to manage at the moment.

I have my final assignment of the year to write which is going to be difficult as I have a $37 library fine and absolutely no money...hmmmm....

Oh, it's also my 21st birthday in two weeks and I dont really care, i just feel nothing at the moment. I'm going to watch some tv.

L.

number twenty-nine.

To think that I was

home, and here and now was then.

I felt you looking at me

but you were hollow.

You pulled at the strings that held me together

and then dropped them.

You didn't want to know,

I should have understood.

I walked towards you

and you saw me

I hurt you

I loved you

and as the threads start to separate

I will sink down

and fall back comfortably

against your skin.

16-10-09

L.

number twenty-eight.

One word answers:

1. Where is your mobile phone? couch

2. Your hair? dirty

3. Your mother? work

4. Your father? kitchen

5. Your favourite food? dark-chocolate

6. Your dream last night? vivid

7. Your favourite drink? coffee

8. Your dream/goal? happiness

9. What room are you in? rumpus

10. Your hobby? art

11. Your fear? many

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? comfortable

13. Where were you last night? bed

14. Something that you aren’t? magic

15. Muffins? apple-cinnamon

16. Wish list item? apartment

17. Where did you grow up? Brisbane/Townsville

18. Last thing you did? dinner

19. What are you wearing? tracksuit

20. Your TV? standard

21. Your pet? ellie

22. Friends? lovely

23. Your life? mmmm

24. Your mood? meh

25. Missing someone? yeh

26. Vehicle? red

27. Something you’re not wearing? makeup

28. Your favorite store? zartart

29. Your favorite color? green

30. When was the last time you laughed? today

31. Last time you cried? dunnno

32. Your best friend? studying

33. One place that I go to over and over? dreams

34. One person who emails me regularly? spam

35. Favorite place to eat? home

number twenty-seven.

Well, it's the 4th of October and I had huge plans to join in with blogtoberfest, however with the show just finished I've only been able to get on my computer now, four days late. Hmmm, so I figure I'll just try and start posting more often than I have been.

Mourning Becomes Electra just closed last night, we performed 11 shows in 12 days, a show which is 4 hours long including two intervals and of that four hours I was on stage for 3 and a half of them. We finished the show around 11.30 each night and by the time I got home it was between 12.30 and 2am, depending on if I went to The House or not, I had a fantastic time, really, I worked with some amazing people, met some amazing people, and got some of the best acting training and experience I've had in my life. I also got amazing feedback which has helped me gain a bit more confidence in my own ability to act, I may think of auditioning for drama schools at the end of next year.

So after the show last night we had a carpet picnic and then bumped the show out, this basically means cleaning out the space, taking apart the set, de-rigging the lighting grid, painting the floor and cleaning the office and the dressing room. this takes around 4 to 6 hours and is always done after the show when everyone's tired as another show needed to bump in the next day. Bump outs are always fun, despite being incredibly hard work. After this was of course the afterparty which was at The Jag, it was an absolute blast. We all got very drink and very stoned, sang, danced, smoked, and talked til 6am this morning, once people started to pass out I drove a couple of them home and then went to bed myself and slept for 8 hours.

And so now it's the end of a six week saga that has taken over my life and consumed me completely, what am I going to do with my time now? Well that's a good question.

So far my plans are:

- find a better job
- craft it up
- write more
- finish my assignments
- catch up with friends
- spend some time with friends
- go to more gigs
- spend more time out and having adventures

OK that's all for now.

Peace out, yo.

L.

number twenty-six.

A quick post, I'm at rehearsal, I have most of my lines down, I have a tea, it is perfect, I am wearing comfy jeans which rarely happens and my headache has disappeared.

Today will be a good day.


L.

number twenty-five.

A corset photoshoot done with the lovely Sarah Walker, corsets by Obsidian Lace








Freezing cold, halogen lights, corsets, and a rat. Fun times with the gang.

L.

number twenty-four.

Things I am grateful for today:

Oranges - they are so refreshing.

My laptop - for being small and efficient.

Carpooling - for allowing me to cheat the system and park for free.

Avocado - for being creamy and full of essential fats.

Sleep - which I will hopefully get tonight...

L.

number twenty-three.

Today I am grateful for:

• A new found love for Radiohead

• My bedroom
  

• A sleep in

• The new Edition of Frankie Magazine

• The bright colours I see on other peoples blogs

• warm showers

• general feelings or warmth towards others

• a day off

L.

number twenty-two.

The beginning of a play for script writing?

November:

I grew up in the outer suburbs of Melbourne, in the Dandenong ranges, the house we lived in was a proud home where other parents came to drink tea with my mother and talk about how lovely our neighbourhood was.

I love my family so much but I cant live with them anymore, our relationships became obsessive, we were secluded, we began to separate ourselves from the outside world. We had a common ground, a secret we shared, a secret that many families share and never indulge in the process of talking about it. We didn't share either and this is where problems began, we became our routines, our bed times, our meal times, our work times. We were hollow shells created by our social norms and that contained nothing but musty air and dead follicles, these hollow shells become full with secret sensitivities and thought processes at surprising times when we eat our meals or while away the time before bed, they ooze out of our ears and eyes but never our mouths. My mother sucks them back in and straightens her starched skirt with tired hands that spend hours straightening skirts and pulling skin taut so that her secrets don't seep out.

I left five years ago along with millions of other who leave their families behind them year after year. I now live with a dog who has replaced my mother with better facial expressions and the kind of loyalty only a dog can have. My mother and I write to each other and that is because her shell needs it to stay together, to maintain its cracking walls that could burst open with nothing but stale damp air. I know there's something in there, perhaps pressed against the walls she's so carefully constructed and I know that if it was released her shell would come crashing down, but this is exactly what needs to happen, and exactly what wont happen.

Margaret:
Dear November,

You never made your bed and for that I'm still disappointed in you. It's been 1,824 days since I've seen your face and the knowledge that your weekly chores remained unfinished is always playing on my mind. I hope you are well and living in a healthy and sterile environment. I cleaned your room, I couldn't bare the sight of it, it took me nearly all day but it now looks like a respectable living space. I also went to the library yesterday to look at some new recipes, your father might come over and I want it to be a special night.
Please brush your teeth everyday,

Margaret.

L.

number twenty-one.

Here's where I'm up to:

Making : a place to be comfortable.
Cooking : nothing, just fruit and veg for me.
Drinking : water, three litres a day to be precise.
Reading: Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse
Wanting: many things, namely a leather knapsack
Looking: at the computer screen, the waving kitty, and the sketching wooden doll.
Playing: Farmville
Wasting: my time playing Farmvile.
Sewing: nothing as our sewing machine is broken. lame.
Wishing: for many things, namely a holiday.
Enjoying: the $2.50 Ham and gourmet salad roll I just ate, yay for end of day sales.
Waiting: for the weekend, saturday to be exact, as it is my day off.
Liking: a boy.
Wondering: How long I can keep this up.
Loving: the beautiful blogs I've been reading.
Hoping: that this play will be wonderful.
Marvelling: at the amazing people I work with.
Needing: my cold to go away and my lines to be learnt.
Smelling: like prada
Wearing: my rehearsal petticoat, and a new pashmina scarf
Following: my nose?
Noticing: the rich colours of the student theatre office.
Knowing: I have a rehearsal in 6 minutes.
Thinking: about my lines and what scenes we'll be doing.
Feeling: tired and a bit sick, but content.
Bookmarking: nothing as this isnt my computer...
Opening: emails.
Giggling: about pretend kisses.

mmmm....


L.

number twenty.

Today I am grateful for:

• beanies that cover bad hair

• cool breezes where the sun still shines

• my psychologist

• strepsil throat lozenges.

• Falkner park

• Coffee

• Student Theatre

L.

number nineteen.

A friend is having her 21st birthday party tonight, 50's themed. I made her a hair bow clip thing out of hand dyed felt and floss, very simple but she loves bows and pink things. This is what it looks like:
Lack of make up and nice clothes, but I'm spending my weekend doing script work, cleaning and procrastinating from doing homework.

I'm in a slightly better mood than in the last post so for now I guess I'll just be posting when I'm in a good mood, or in a bad one and wanting to complain. mmmm, thats all for now.


L.

number eighteen.

Ok so this is my fourth attempt at posting.

All previous efforts were halted by power failures and lack of inspiration.

I seem to be taking a small hiatus from my blog after a lack of interest from other parties, no comments etc, I didn't start this blog to incite comments and for other people but after being drawn into the crafting blog world I started to comment on others and got comments in return, and since my last posts seem to have not attracted many views I feel a little bit disheartened and I hate that I feel that way. I didn't start this for other people, I started it for me so I dont know where I stand now in terms of my blogging habits and what I should write and not write in terms of my life.

I also had an unfortunate discovery of a blog thats been written detailing the private life of a close friend of mine, this has lead to a small breakdown on his behalf and a huge amount of disgust for this person on my behalf.

People who I expected to read my posts havent been and this is a little bit dissapointing and leaves me with little faith in them. I guess I've just fallen off the radar of the blog world (the small place in which I held) and have landed back in the live world in which is taking up ALL of my time. I dont really feel motivated to post and when I do I'm torn with what material to actually put up, this was originally a place that I would share my crafting projects as well as parts of my life that are more intimate including my struggles with Bipolar II disorder and how I'm coping with this illness and making the most of life, also the things that I find help the most including inspirational friends and art etc. So that's where I'm at for now.

Ok, thats my rant for the moment.

Now back to what I've been doing, I recently landed the lead role in a production which will be put on at Monash Uni Student Theatre in September. It's called 'Mourning Becomes Electra' by Eugene O'neill.I'm playing the role of Lavinia which is the 'electra' character, it's a psychological drama that so far hasd proved to be fantastic and intense. The rehearsal process is really enjoyable while still testing my limits and concentration span!

Other than that I'm rehearsing for Lysistrata which is actually on next week,

(all photos sourced from google images.)

we're doing 6 shows in 4 days and then it's done and I've finished a subject! So I'll be left with a contemporary performance subject and a script writing subject, both of which I'm really enjoying so far.

So that's that.

L.

number seventeen.

After reading Franca's blog I've signed up for the Pay It Forward experiment/agreement/fun thing. Basically I am a true believer in the idea and think it's a beautiful way to gain appreciation for other peoples creations and snail mail!

Here's the blurb that explains what this is all about:

I am entering into the following agreement with the first 5 people who VOLUNTEER on this post and commit to passing the project along on their blog. Just read below and if you feel ready to commit, copy the following into your blog and leave me a comment. If you just want to say hi and good luck, no worries, you're not "it"!

I am willing to post overseas (I am in the Australia), but remember you must commit on your blog to do the same for others.

* I make no guarantees that you will like what I send you. But you may be pleasantly surprised.
* What I send will be made just for you, with love, by my own hands. You'd be surprised how much of our personalities does come through online.***It may be something beautiful and found that I have altered to make personal and unique***
* I will complete all 5 gifts this year - 2009.
* I will not give you any clue what it’s going to be. It will be something made in the real world, that you can touch and feel, and not something cyber.
* I reserve the right to do something strange. It may be weird or beautiful. Or it may be monstrous and annoying. If you find it truly horrendous, just let me know. Perhaps you'll send it forward to someone who will absolutely love it.
* In return, all you need to do is post this text on your blog and make 5 things for the first 5 to respond to your blog post.

Send your mailing address - after I contact you to confirm.

Everyone is welcome. I guarantee that you will receive something from me providing you do the same for 5 other people in your blog post. Are you game? Let me know. If you are not one of the first 5, see who is and visit them for a chance to spread the love- and handmade stuff.

So that is the dealio, I reserve the right to create what I want obviously, and will definetly be creative and hopefully unique in my makings. I look forward to this! remember to put it in your own blog as well!

Also I will be updating soon! soon soon soon!


Peace.

L.

number sixteen.

I'm currently sitting at a cafe on Commercial Road waiting for an appointment, it's nice here. I have a coffee and an ipod and a computer. The temperature is perfect, a bit of a cool breeze but warm enough to appreciate the sun. I can hear cars and trucks driving past, the conversations of those around me, I can smell coffee, dirt, fumes, perfume and cigarette smoke and also the clear air. I can see the Alfred hospital, workers, people, the environment. And I feel really good.

I really must get on to reading Murakami.

So currently I have just gotten into an awesome play, I have some

shifts coming up, I also will hopefully be getting a job at Wholefoods Cafe, a student run cafe at Monash that has the most fantastic environment, and homemade everything. I'm finally sorting out things, keeping everything in check, enjoying uni so far, and discovering the positive side of life again. All of this feels really good.

Here are some pictures from my last couple of days:

Some tiny bunnies I've started making, they are roughly two and a
half inches long and one and a half high.

The park I walk through to get to my appointment.

I went to a friends going away party on Sunday night
and this is what I wore, new boots, owl dress from a store
at DFO, stockings from Target and hand me down cardigan.

Thats all for now, off to read scripts and articles for uni.

Peace.

L.

number fifteen.

Well last night I attended a fabulous Christmas in July party at my friends new apartment in Pentridge Piazza (formerly known as Pentridge Prison), they have a swanky apartment built into the workshops of the Pentridge Prison, it's lovely and cozy and we had a fabulous night. I felted her a christmas brooch which she loved and I forgot to take a photo of it, however I do have a photo of the little birdy I felted for my hair and also my outfit and new boots!

Mid sentence to my mother, this is the felt birdy, and also the earrings are coral! woo!


My new boots which I LOVE, Wittner sale, I love boots.

And this is what I wore, Dress is from Retro Star, Boots - Wittner Sale, Cardigan - hand me down from sister, Coat - five year old colorado coat, belt - thrifted, bag - hand made.

So my growing love for Blues and Rhythm is slowly being satisfied by the likes of Screamin Jay Hawkins, LaVern Baker and Ruth Brown.

Oh, and I also just landed the main part in a production at uni, the play is called Mourning Becomes Electra by Eugene O'neill and I'm playing the part of Lavinia, it's a fantastic roll and the play is extremely dramatic and there's a lot of psychological manipulation, oh and we only have seven weeks to get it on its feet...which is not very long...but I'm DEFINETLY excited!

YAY!

ok, thats all for now, I'm heading off to a friends going away which will be good and fun and happy.

Peace out,

L.

number fourteen.

It's the weekend!

Tonight: Christmas in July party, photos to come soon.

Things I'm loving: Screamin Jay Hawkins, Photo sourced from Google Images.

He is amazing, although he has roughly 75 children to many different women, he certainly was busy. Anyway check out his music, especially his cover of I put a spell on you, it's fantastic.

Dry felting - photos to come soon.

Sourced from Google Images.

New boots - Wittner sale, beautiful and photos coming soon.

More of an update later!

Lucy
xoxo

number thirteen.

Just some photos from a shoot I did with some friends at Aradale Asylum in Ararat.




I'm spending my night making a present for a friend who has just had pneumonia and a strep infection and so I've bought a sketch book and I'm filling it with mini ideas and activities for him, he recently bought a house in the Dandenong Ranges and so I've included little places that are amazing and that he should go to.

In other news I auditioned for a play and will find out at the end of the week, and crafting has been put on hold with the start of uni.

Thats all for now,

Peace out.
L.

number twelve.

I am currently sitting in the office of student theatre at monash university procrastinating from working on my journal for Lysistrata, so instead I'm going to upload photos of the bag I made from some of the fabric I picked up from the op-shop last week, it took me about 45 minutes to make and I just kind of made up my own pattern, I'm looking at making some pencil cases as well once I get hold of some zips.

Sorry about the bad quality of the photos, my camera is terrible!


The best thing about it is the inbuilt pockets!!! Woo! and doileys!! Woo!


Ok, so thats all for now, I'm loving everyone's blogs, and I'm loving the continuous inspiration being put out there!

That's all for now!

Peace out,

L.

number eleven.

Today's findings:
I went to one of my current favourite opshops today and picked up a whole heap of pillow cases, doona covers and doilies for $20, I already have some plans in the work however need to get some more gear first. So in the mean time I'm loving just looking at some of the beautiful retro patterns!





I especially love this quilted retro tablecloth I got, its covered in these hexagons and all of the material used is just gorgeous! I dont know if I can cut it up to make all the things I want to make!I'm also still slowly making my granny square blanket, I've just run out of wool so need to get some more, however here are a couple of progress pictures. Sorry about the bad quality, I'm craving a better camera however I have NO funds right now!



This week has been spent rehearsing and going to therapy, I also got a referral to see a psychologist and hopefully that'll help with my current situation. I got my uni results and I did really well especially after missing six weeks of class being ill. I got a distinction for directing and a High distinction of 'writing of performance', this was awesome, especially as the percentage was really high, I got 92, which is my second highest mark. I know this is good but I'm still struggling to feel good about it, to acknowledge my achievements, I dont know, it's strange.

Uni starts back next week, the first four weeks are going to be extremely busy but after that it will hopefully settle down with Lysistrata being over, I'm feeling good about uni starting.

I've been reading and looking at some of the most amazing blogs, they're stunning, and very inspiring.

That's all for now, Peace Out.

L.

number ten.

I recently did a photoshoot with my lovely friend Sarah Walker, below are a couple of shots, it's theme was the bacchanal's and Bill Henson lighting and took ideas of being physically connected and emotionally disconnected.

You can see more of Sarah's work at her Deviant Art






My parents are away for a week and last night I made roast pumpkin, fetta and spinach pasta and watched movies with friends and tonight I cooked matriciana and used my mum's recipe and it tasted great, I'm very happy about this.I would so love to live alone and bake, craft, and drink tea all day, alas I have no money and dont think I'd be able to live alone for very long, I guess this week will test me out, however my dream is to own my own boutique store and live above it and sell vintage clothes accessories and handmade crafty things/art and stuff, I dont know how I'll make this happen, maybe just marry someone rich...hmmmm...I'm not sure yet, leave it with me.

I also made a high waisted skirt out of a bedsheet/tablecloth that has a gorgeous floral design and cost me $1.50 at an awesome opshop on Warrigal Rd in Glen Iris.


Sorry about the frown, I was rushing out the door when I took this!

Uni results come out at the end of this week, I did two subjects and was away for 6 weeks in the middle of semester and I'm aiming for High Distinctions...hmmmm.


My crocheted blanket is going well, I wish I'd chosen better wool to begin with however I started with acrylic and I'm going to finish with acrylic, I guess I'll just have to make another one.

I'm incredibly inspired by all the blogs on my blog roll, the vintage fashion and craft blogs I'm seeing are absolutely stunning and I'm continuously being inspired to do craft and art, yay for amazingly inspiring people.

I watched Perfume last night, good movie, I much prefer the book though.

Still reading one flew over the cuckoo's nest, going well, enjoying it. Once I set myself up with a camera I'll upload some pics of what I've been up to.

Besides this I have rehearsals Monday to Thursday every day from now until performance week (4 or 5 weeks away) which is a little ridiculous and full on, however today's seven hour rehearsal went really really well and I finally got a handle on my Old woman character. Woo!

I think that's all for the moment,

peace out.

L.

number nine.

DOING

crocheting and reading, I got back from my holiday away yesterday, didn't make it the whole week which is a little disappointing however I had a good time while I was there, just couldn't handle the copious amounts of people alcohol and loud (and often bad) music. The place we stayed at was absolutely stunning, a farm with a lake that has been converted into holiday accommodation and that is surrounded by thick bush and ridges and valleys, it is incredibly secluded, a good setting for a horror film... Anyway, both nights were extremely raucous and fun, I was first in bed both nights and also the most awake both days, a friend and I walked along through one of the valleys and then up the ridge and sat and listened to nature for a while, it was amazing, we came back and chilled with everyone around the fire. The days were spent watching True Blood, a vampire series (pretty terrible), reading, paddling on the paddle boat around the lake, getting stranded and having to be saved, making fires, crocheting, listening to music, talking and eating, and of course the nights were spent drinking, dancing, singing, spaing, talking, smoking and covering a friends car in 800 metres of glad wrap (the best practical joke ever considering most of the group walked past at one stage or another and didn't notice), this was completed with a cardboard sign saying “happy birthday jack, here's your new car”, it wasn't his birthday.

I came back to Melbourne with a friend and had a four hour nap and haven't done anything besides crocheting and reading since, I like it this way.

WATCHING

Secretary- awesome, a romance love story about an S and M couple, what a fantastic idea, the movie is great, it starts strangely and sets itself up as a raunchy sexy movie and then by the end of it it's a romantic chick flick, I just adored the story and thought it was extremely smart, yay for smart movies.

True Blood – not worth it.

Clueless – an old favourite of course, very funny, and sentimental as most of us grew up with this movie.

READING

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest – so far interesting, definitely glad I read the introduction first. I will keep you updated on how it is going.

MAKING

A crocheted blanket big enough to cover my double bed, I'm not working with a pattern or anything, just using alternating colours (pink, navy, dark purple and light purple) and seeing how I go, I'll also be starting some for friends soon. Other than this I'm looking forward to starting some felting, mostly brooches and small toys, I'm also looking at soft doll making, this is all pending on me getting some money first as I have none.

FEELING

OK, I don't feel like going into it. Needless to say that everything is strange.

NEEDING

still a job, I'm browsing seek, and the Monash job site every day and finding nothing, I really need something low key, I'm not sure what I'm going to do, hopefully if I keep looking I'll find something eventually, if not then I'll start pissing everyone off about getting me a job wherever they work.

NEXT WEEK

Rehearsals...ugh.

number eight.

DOING
Rehearsals for Lysistrata, going well, not really over enthused about it, but it's going along fine considering that its taking over all of my holidays. You win some you lose some, I'm focusing that I'll be finished in week 4 of the semester. Other than that I haven't been doing much, just faffing around at home doing little crafty things.

WATCHING
Sunshine Cleaning – nice dark humour, not as good as little miss sunshine, however beautiful moments and some beautiful relationships shown in the movie, very funny.

My Girl – Watched this with the boyfriend, an old favourite I haven't seen in years, I like the era portrayed, and I balled my eyes out and was in a bad mood for the rest of the night....that was a bit of a problem, however EVERYONE should watch this again!

The Proposal – great cheesy chick flick, set mainly in Alaska and has only increased my love of this small city and made me want to move there even more. Very cute, cheesy and predictable movie, and it made me happy.


READING
D. H. Lawrence's Lady Chatterley's Lover – Reading this at the moment, it's quite good, taken ages to get into however I've been egged on by the fact that it's a bit of a classic, also its very true to its time with some graphic capitalist rants that are quite off-putting, however it all fits in with the characters. So I AM enjoying it.

Homer's Odyssey – Just bought and am going to start devouring it soon.
Virginia Wolf's Mrs Dalloway – Recommended by a friend and will start reading soon.

MAKING
On my to-do list I have a couple of things to make which include some little journals. While I was in hospital I learned how to bind books and so I'm creating some little journals that hopefully I can perfect and give to friends for birthdays etc. Also I'm going to be making some little soft toy
creations but I need to get my hands on some material, op shops are good for that. I've taught myself to crotchet, and am currently quite obsessed with this craft, so hopefully I'll be uploading a photo of my finished blanket once it's done, fingers crossed.

Also when I get some time I'm going to do some foam prints on record covers and vinyl records for my bedroom, however this is still far away as I need to figure out what exactly I want to print.

FEELING
Pretty low, not sure why, everything is kind of stuck, I'm so afraid of intimacy and it's affecting my relationships with people, I prefer to be by myself and I find myself withdrawing more and more. I think this is somewhat due to an extremely active week the week before last week. Or maybe I'm just happier by myself. I've been reading a lot of blogs and they are amazing, however they aren't very personal, which I guess I like. However this space is a space for me to write about how I feel and how I'm going with issues I have faced with mental health.

NEEDING
A job. One that is low stress...preferably something that I like, I'd love to work in a book store, however with the current economic climate I think it's a matter of beggars cant be choosers.

NEXT WEEK
I'm going away to the country with roughly 20 friends from uni, it is going to be a very loud and dramatic week away. I'd love a holiday to take in the surroundings, read, crotchet, draw and paint, and I have a feeling I won't get the chance to do much of this, hopefully I can gather some allies and attempt to have a relaxing week away.

number seven.

OK, time for an update.

I am currently spending my time rehearsing with the Graduate ensemble for a production of Lysistrata, it is nice being around people who are genuinely wanting to study acting, so rehearsals are awesome and focused, although rehearsing 3 to 4 days a week is eating away at my holidays and sometimes the honours crew get wanky and narky, particularly the Melbourne uni students who are in it.

I'm also attending two lots of outpatient programs which is also going well, I'm going to Cognitive behaviour Therapy: Social Anxiety on Wednesday nights, and also a support group and another anxiety program on Friday day, it's nice to be around people dealing with what you're dealing with, especially because I spend most of my time hiding any symptoms or really anything to do with anxiety and depression and bi-polar stuff. So YEH. Fun times there.

On the weekend I also learned how to breath fire, there are photos on my facebook and I breathed two metres of fire which was better than our teacher could so yeh, there are possibilities for career opportunities here, if anyone wants a fire breather let me know. It was an amazing experience.

Other than this my weeks been rather shit, I missed a nights worth of medication which has played havoc on my whole system leaving me dizzy and light headed for a day, it hasn't been fun. I haven't been in a very good head space this week and I'm not sure what's brought this on, hopefully next week will be better.

Things I have watched:

Milk, one of the most amazing movies, I highly recommend this as both a good movie and a good look at the difficulties faced by homosexuals through the 50's 60's and 70's. It was truly a beautiful and sad movie.

I also saw In Bruges which was fabulous, book ended really well and had beautiful dark humour, I really enjoyed it.

I also re-watched A mighty Wind and also Best in Show which was great, they never get boring, the comedy is fantastic and the writers are amazing at character work, watching them again made me realize how amazing both the script and the actors character were.

Things I have listened to:

I got some great new music off Nick, this included The Flaming Lips, a band from Oklahoma which I love, The Middle East, a band from Townsville that I saw in concert at the Northcote social club and they were phenomenal live, their recordings arent as amazing but the beautiful harmonies and instumentation is always awesome. Blonde Redhead and Devotcka are also amazing bands. Still need to listen to a lot more music though.

So, coming up I've got more rehearsals, more therapy, seeing a couple of friends, and hopefully cheering up a little bit, I cant wait to go back to uni, I'm doing subjects that I'm really looking forward to and hopefully will lead somewhere.

Peace out,

L.

number six.

I have a boyfriend, his name is Nick, and he is lovely.
He also has THE MOST amazing music collection, 150 gigs of music...awesome.

So I have a couple of new band interests, they are:

The Middle East, a Queensland band I believe, they are quite unknown and I'm seeing them play this Sunday, they are super chilled and awesome.

Deerhoof, an older band, kind of rocky but with a whimsical female vocalist, equals a good mix. I like them.

The Besnard Lakes, nice falsetto boys singing melodic songs with nice instrumentation including violins and brass.

Electrelane, a bit more techno influences, a late nineties super cool all girl band, they are just super cool, kind of chilled.

The Knife, Sweden duo known for their song 'Heartbeats', good electronic band, sweet vocals and harmonies.

I'm also getting into some sixties rock which is pretty sweet, The Kinks and The Easybeats, yeh.

Ummm I have my directors assessment tomorrow, me and a friend directed a scene from Summer of the Aliens by Louis Nowra, it's gone really well I think, it's been weird, I dont know what to say exactly other than Socialist Alternatives are the worst to do anything with if it isn't related directly to Socialist Alternative stuff.

My week has filled up really quickly with directing stuff, group therapy stuff and a couple of parties and gigs which is exciting and also daunting. I'm also not getting a break as I go straight into rehearsals for Lysistrata which I'm doing with the Honours program at uni, I chose to do it so it's my own fault, but it also means I get to finish a subject four weeks into semester. It'll be interesting coz most honours shows suck so I'm intrigued as to what the process is going to be like, we have heaps of rehearsals and were told we'd only have two a week (lie).

I start CBT Social Anxiety tomorrow night, I dont know if I really qualify for the group as I CAN handle some social situations, its just crowds and stuff that I can't do. Nick made an interesting observation that my social anxiety issues are all linked to the visual, so I dont like people looking at me intimately and I struggle being around heaps of people because I think they're all judging me (on the visual), I know this is irrational but thats what Generalized Anxiety Disorder is.

I've grown so much since spending a month in hospital and I feel much more mature and able to handle things. It feels good.

Thats all for now, post soon.

L.

number five.

It's Saturday, I've had breakfast and now I'm listening to music, I'm calm, I can breathe, and that is a good feeling.
This weekend will be good if I can keep going with an assignment and all the rest.

Theatre:

Innocence: VCA production, about caravaggio's life, it was amazing, the set was amazing, the lighting was amazing, the actors were amazing. Great show. Well done fleur and wollan.

Reading:

"On the road" update: Disgustingly misogynistic, I find myself cringing all the time, but it comes with the style of writing, other than the disgusting sexism it's great.

Listening:

Kings of collision
Edith Piaf

Things I've done:

finished an assignment
started an assignment
handed in my main assignment for performance writing
got a two week extension main assignment for directing
kissed a boy
listened to the likes of bon iver, beirut, doves, devendra banhart, jose gonzales and edith piaf.
Watched television
kissed a boy again
bought an amazing pair of shoes
slept
made bircher muesli
made anzac biscuits
saw blood wedding again
started dating a boy
stayed up until 3am just talking to friends
slept in til lunch time


It's been a good week, this weekend will be great. :-)


L.

number four.

Well it's Friday night and I'm sitting at home watching tv and procrastinating from doing an assignment for directing, this will further my procrastination as well as making me feel like I've done something. Overall, a good move.

What have I been watching?

Blood wedding put on at Monash Uni student theatre, it was pretty super with the most amazing set. the concept worked so beautifully and visually and aurally it was fantastic. I do reccomend if you're in the wedding

australia's next top model, this is the worst show ever made yet I am strangely addicted to it, i watch it and think "you idiots, why are you doing that? why are you talking? and yet I am watching it week after week. hmmmm, I dont recommend this show.

what have I been reading?

a million little pieces by james frey,I finished this the other day and overall I quite enjoyed it, however there's all this controversy that most of it is fake, this is interesting coz as you read it you wonder how he got around talking about the other people in the book, and if he had to ask them etc. I'm pretty sure most people wouldn't want to be written about while in rehab, especially some of the characters who're shown in a not so nice light. But it was still interesting, still worth a read.

on the road by jack kerouac, I've just started this, its good so far, I like the way its written, he has a nice language. more updates when I'm further in. It is a classic so definitely worth it.

what have I been listening to?

Patrick wolf, el perro del mar, cocorosie, and adele, all thanks to last.fm which you enter your own music library in to and it tells you what music you'll probably enjoy, a friend told me about it and since then I've got my hands on said music and had a great time. Listening to new music is good, I hadn't gotten any new stuff for ages.

what have I been doing?

Most of this week has been doing my assignment for PER which is on anxiety in our society, its around 3200 words and I really enjoyed writing it, which is abnormal, hopefully I'll get a good mark and it will be recieved well. I've also been helping Blood Wedding to get on their feet with random set stuff and costume detailing, it was nice spending time with the cast and helping them out, and it also provided adequate distraction from other homework.

Today I had outpatient therapy which was alright, talking about anxiety made me anxious, but since it's a new group we're mostly starting at the same level and that was comforting. I fell asleep in meditation/relaxation which you arent supposed to do but everyone did, it's just so calming...I then proceeded to go home and go back to sleep, til 5.30pm, I'm tired all the time which is really frustrating and disrupting, I dont know if it's medication or depression but I'm sick of it none the less. That and weight gain have been big issues for me recently and I'm just taking it day by day and trying not to think about much else!

Coming up this week is a friends 24th birthday party which should be fun, it'll be good to see friends. I have a presentation to do on Monday which should be good and also my directing essay which I keep putting off and I really need to start, if anyone wants to write me an essay on Grotowski and Brook just let me know. Other than that we have directing showings and I'm also going to be rehearsing a play over the holidays with the Honours program, this means that I'll have finished a subject in week 4 of semester. Which is Awesome.

I think thats all for the moment.

Peace out.

L.

number three.

I've been back at uni for just over a week now and so far it's going well, some frustrating conversations, and awkward moments but other than that I guess it's back to normal. I'm just frantically trying to catch up with assignments and everything considering we only have three weeks left of term.

In order to do this I've been reading up on various philosophical ideas and whatever they're called, and I'm enjoying Alain De Botton's 'Status Anxiety', which looks at how we handle anxiety about status and how it came about and how it affects various facets of our lives, it's an awesome book.

I also bought A Million Little Pieces by James Frey which is an autobiography of his life as an addict and how he gets better, so far it's pretty good, I guess he's just putting it out there that there are other ways to get better besides the twelve step program, it's much more bleak and down to earth which I like.

Alongside this I bought Jack Kerouac's 'On the Road' and 'The Social Contract' by Jean-Jacques Rousseau. My sister bought two books which I plan to read and they are 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' by Ken Kesey and 'The Consolations of Philosophy' by Alain De Botton. These were all bought over the weekend as I avoid my need to buy new clothes as not many of them fit any more and I opt for the less confronting purchase that is books. Weight gain is frustrating and I dont want to waste my money on stupid clothes for my fatso body.

Anyway, I have also been listening to Ratatat a bit, they're nice and instrumental so no words to get mixed up in but after a while their stuff's a bit repetitive. Antony and the Johnsons' 'I am a Bird Now' is an AWESOME album, I've been listening to it over and over again and his voice is so interesting and the way he sings the melody of his songs is beautiful, and the arrangements are beautiful! I just love it.

Um, what else have I been doing? Not much, I'm going to group therapy twice a week, it's good because I get to be around people who understand what I'm talking about and we learn as a group how to overcome various problems, it's also nice to be able to give other people feedback, and to be reminded that heaps of people have these problems, not just you.

Thats all for now unless I think of something else I should add (which obviously I'll do later if I think of anything.)


L.

number two.

Happy Mothers Day is where we shall begin, I hope everyone is doing something nice for them, I made my mum two prints for the laundry (she wanted some art to put on the walls) and a card and my sister and I bought her an ipod shuffle. I made her breakfast in bed, on a whole a successful Mothers day.

A close friend of mine gave me a packet of incents that she burns in her room, I burn them in my room now and it's amazing how a smell can change the mood of a space, just thought you should know.


Films:

Pan's Labrinth: I watched it last night and it is an amazing film however it put me in a somewhat melancholy mood which wasn't helped by the fact that I'd had a three hour nap and couldn't get to sleep for a while. But anyway, it's an awesome film, watch it, if you've seen it then watch it again, such a beautiful story and the cinematography is fantastic.

Music:

Jenny Wilson: She is awesome and amazing, I can listen to her music all day.

Air (Virgin Suicides soundtrack): Great soundtrack for a great film, it's really good background music as well as being interesting enough to listen to in the first place.



I have no plans for today, it feels good to have no plans, I like this feeling, I want to keep this feeling for those days when you have too much to do and not enough time.

L.

number one.

Well this is the beginning of possibly a short lived blog depending on my mood.
This shall be a place to share to no one my love of various crafty fun websites and other cool people/things that I find on the internet as well as a mostly anonymous account where I can vomit out my frustrations and annoyances that occur in my personal life since I'm not a big sharer but I do like venting somewhere, so here is the place it shall be.

We shall begin,

cool things to look at:

www.kerismith.com
she's amazingly awesome, buy her books, read her blogs, look at her rad illustrations.

www.veganandvintage.blogspot.com
rad melbournite with awesome fashion and knitting skills.

www.hel-looks.com
for fashion inspiration and general awesomeness check out the faashion of helsinki's finest.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sarahwalker/
Skwalks' flickr account, check out her 366 faces of ego project, it will blow your socks off.

Reading:
Okay so go out and buy J.M Coetzee's 'Diary of a Bad Year', it's rad with amazing mini essays written in a fabulously intellectual tone and awesome opinions. He calls himself a quietist-pessemistic anarchist, and the explanation of this is rockin and fits me and a lot of my friends to a tee, so check him out. I'm reading a novel by him at the moment called 'Elizabeth Costello' and it is also rad.

Also read Gabriel Garcia Marquez' 100 years of solitude, it's beautiful.

Listening:

Lykke Li, Sia's not so new album, Grizzly bear (depressing indie) and Royksopp's new album.

Watching:

I recently saw Tank Girl, it was awesome, I recommend it.

Theatre:
I saw Monash Uni Shakespeare Society's 'A Midsummer Nights Dream' last night, it was entertaining and very funny along with some weird awkward moments. Music was interesting, but the comedy was very good.

Also my friend Pen Bartlau has co written and directed a play called 'The Keeper' which is on a La Mama for a while, check it out, it's great, I really enjoyed it, the music was great and it was so beautiful and simple yet meaningful without being wanky, yay for non-wanky theatre.

Me:

This is my first week out of hospital of where I was for a month, I've put on 8 kilos which disgusts me and makes me not a happy chappy, but other than that I'm ok, I have sweet as meds that are good and a clean room with a new bookshelf and little desk, I'm going back to uni on Monday which is already scaring me a little bit, oh well, we'll just have to wait and see.
Mood wise I'm up and down but not to extremes which is better than before so I'm okay with that.

I may post later, because this is new and exciting and I have nothing planned for today other than drinking 10 glasses of water.


L.